When Morons Collide
by FluffleNeCharka
Summary: An overly serious paranormla investigator. A lovable, but spoiled alien. When Purple is accidentally left behind on Earth, he decides to live with Bill until he's rescued. Hopefully, Bill will survive. PurpleBill, slash. For the LJ 10 themes comm.
1. Red

AN: Because this pairing is adorable, this table of prompts works wonderfully well with them, and I'm sick of the same four pairings again and again. It's time for some new pairings, some lighter content, and some cute, immature!Purple. (I know you're out there, Tallest Purple fans, and I shall not forsake your demographic.)

I own nothing in this entire fanfic, make no profit, and this disclaimer applies to all chatpers.

- -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- -

Oh, he knew he was missing out on tormenting Zim - always fun, that, and even moreso in person - but it was so beautiful. The red sky peppered with pink clouds, as if the clouds were trying to reflect the sky. Kind of like how Zim acted tall, except the clouds were pretty and puffy instead of ugly and big headed. Gingerly sitting on a bench in what the Earthlings called a park (strange, as no one parked here at all!), he felt a moment of peace wash over him. Any time spent away from the Massive and all that paper work was time well spent in his mind.

Footsteps caused him to turn, but the human who stood before him was not short and annoying like the one at Zim's house. Rather, he was tall, and Purple's breath caught in his throat when he realized the human was actually taller than him. He waited for some sort of anger from the Tallest human, a rebuttal or annoyance someone was in his spot - for it was _his_ spot, this private, tiny, out of the way piece of land. Purple could feel it; he'd intruded. Yet the black haired human merely paused. Watching Purple out the corners of his eyes, he walked over to the bench, and sat directly beside the ruler of the Irken empire.

Purple felt like a newborn smeet as he took in the details of the man. Thin, long, with glasses to protest his eyes, which he promptly removed to get a better look at the sunrise. His face was angular, rectangular and nearly Irken in shape. When the foreign Tallest caught him looking, he looked away, out to the red sky.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" the man said softly, and Purple nodded, the peaceful feeling returning. "Most people don't understand the beauty of simple things like this anymore."

"Yeah, not a lot of bright people on this planet-" Purple realized what he was saying. "Uh, I mean-"

"No, you're right." The man waved a hand, dismissively. "My name is Bill. And yours?"

"Purple," he chirped, and they sat back in silence.

He knew he had nothing to be shy about. He was the Almighty Tallest Purple of planet Irk, what could he do wrong? Yet he felt himself grinning stupidly, glancing back to the human's face. It was like being a happy, carefree Invader again. The tallness was just so beautiful on the other man. On anyone, really, height looked good, but the sheer length of everything made Purple giddy with joy. Bill was beautiful, and he appreciated stuff Red called stupid, and he shared his bench! The Tallest felt himself grin as he gazed upon the sunrise that had caused him to stay here in the first place. Content, he leaned into Bill's shoulder, feeling nothing short of glee when the other man smiled down at him.

It was official. Purple now loved the color red.


	2. Green

AN: I could've been lazy and done a green skin motif for this chapter. I did not, and thus resulted this adorably painful little moment. Enjoy!

- -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- -

"What do you mean, you left without me?!" Purple's voice reached a screech no human would ever be able to. "When can you come back?!"

"Look, I'm _sorry_, okay?" Red sighed, rubbing the side of his face with an irritated sigh. "It wasn't my fault. Look, we'll be back as soon as the Massive is repaired. Zim's laser weasels really did some damage. Just try and stay hidden for a few days, alright?"

Purple pouted. "Fine. You know what? I'm gonna go throw a party! With nachos! And _you're_ not invited!" Then he cut the transmission, and tried to think of what to do. "Hmm. Maybe that Bill guy has nachos..."

- -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- -

Bill was having a very, very awesome day.

Purple had showed up on his door - an alien! A genuine alien! - and begged him to 'help out your fellow Tallest'. Bill surpressed an uncharacteristic squeal at the thought of an alien room mate and instantly let him in. Before Purple could even start to say the cliche words 'don't go to any trouble', the paranormal investigator dragged a spare mattress out of the closet and was making a bed. Purple, pleasantly surprised the Taller human was so willing to let him in, cheered and clapped his hands like a three year old.

"Yeah! This is gonna be great! We can watch the 'television', and drink soda, and eat food-" Purple's face fell into an adorable mimic of childhood sadness, "Where are you going?"

"Work. I'm very sorry, but I have to attend a meeting," Bill smiled reassuringly, placing a hand on the Irken's shoulder. "I'll be back soon, don't worry. I'm used to handling the dangers of this chocolate vampire infested city. You just help yourself to anything you want out of the fridge, and try not to blow anything up, okay?"

"Anything?" the Irken's face scrunched in displeasure as Bill scurried around trying to find his shoes. "At all? What about street performers who make that annoying whistling noise and do the robot?"

Bill gave him a look that said 'I am not amused', finished tying his shoes, and (before he'd even properly thought it out) reached over and kissed the alien on the cheek. "I won't be gone long. No explosions. Try to be quiet. Good bye."

Purple waved, and then waited until Bill was on the stairway of the apartment to call out, "BYE BYE, LOVERBOY!" Then he locked the door and dove under the couch, giggling hysterically while Bill called him several words so obscene that Purple's PAK couldn't translate them.

After Purple's little shout out, Bill was still in a good mood. It wasn't everyday an alien showed up on his doorstep, after all. Oh, his fellow investigators would love this! Finally, a chance to study a real alien - heck, a chance to talk to a real alien was more than most of them had ever dreamed of. The knowledge that could be gleamed, the answers to life's questions were at his fingertips. More importantly, he might even find out what planet dinosaurs were really from. 'Naturally occuring fossils' - ha! Purple would be his ticket to proving the truth... if he didn't keep making Bill's neighbors think he was gay.

Ha, romance. The greatest conspiracy of them all. Bill would never indulge in such a dangerous practice. One never knew who would be a vampire in disguise, or have a zombie STD, or be in league with the ice cream makers. Romance was awful - leaving himself open to all those outside forces, vulnerable to all his enemies. Gay? He'd thought about it, and concluded that while there was a much lower chance of gay vampires, zombies, or ice cream makers, it was an impossibility for him. The government lied. Banshees were all male, and Bill would NOT become a statistic! He would not!

Still, Purple seemed fairly innocent. A bit goofy, a bit random, but Purple hadn't let out a deafening screech from beyond the netherworld when Bill had pecked him on the cheek. Er, wait, did aliens kiss? Oh, crap, he'd probably just seemed like a random alien fetish seeking human. Great. Well, the rest of the Swollen Eyeballs didn't need to know about that little mess up...

- -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- -

Purple, meanwhile, was enjoying the puppet channel to its fullest.

Clapping his hands wildly, laughing insanely, and stomping his tiny feet, he was vaguely aware of the neighbors telling him to keep it down. He just didn't care. Bill was Tallest here, so surely he'd clear up any problems the other humans had when he got home. Humans had gotten such a bad rap from Zim. Any species that had a puppet channel couldn't be all that bad. Honestly, Zim just didn't appreciate the finer points of foreign culture. What a stupid creature. Thank Irk Purple had the apartment to himself - Red never left him this many nachos! Oh, life was sweet...

Then Purple had one of the things from the fridge, tired of nachos. He was always up for trying new foods, after all. Bill had many of what Zim dubbed 'Mexican' foods (as well as a bookcase filled with books in Spanish, which made Purple's PAK work overtime for a while). The Almighty Tallest had sampled some of the rice, which was kind of boring, and some of the churros, which were chocolate covered in a way that had made him squee. (Bill. Was. A. GENIUS!) Not liking tacos in general, and feeling it was too late in the day for breakfast tequitos, he reached for something that looked to be a plant.

They were small, thinly shaped bulbs, bright green in cover. Put together in a little jar, the smell burned at his antennae briefly. Curious, he picked one up. Huh. These were tiny, almost Zim food sized. Why on Earth would Bill keep so few of these? 'I mean, geez,' Purple thought as he carelessly popped one in his mouth, 'there's hardly enough for a meal'. Then he chewed, and all hell broke loose.

"DEAR SWEET MIYUKI, FOUNDER OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY! WHAT **ARE** THESE?!" Purple screamed, gagging and choking as his legs gave way under him. "Oh, it burns! Why does it hurt? WHY?! Oh, someone, kill me! KILL ME! Ahhh-ha-ha, the pain!"

"Purple?" Bill stood in the doorway of the kitchen. "The meeting got out late, sorry-" he paused as the Irken flung himself at him, sobbing hysterically into his shoulder about 'the burning'. "What's wrong? Did Chocofang attack?"

"I had one of... one of those... Some of those GREEN demons FROM BEYOND THIS WORLD!" Purple squeaked. Bill detangled himself and looked at the jar.

"You got into my jalepenos?"


End file.
